Processing the Birth Experience

Camryn Aurora - 5 Days Old

I'm still struggling with aspects of Camryn's birth. I've been thinking about it the last two weeks trying to process what happened and why. I feel like I somehow messed up and somehow I failed. It's been scary to write it all out and to open myself up to all those feelings. To bare myself completely. I realize though that writing it all down certainly has helped quite a bit even if I am still having feelings of inadequacy.

I've had the chance to talk to a few people about the experience and just when I start to feel good about it the doubt and the sadness comes creeping back. Looking back I honestly think that had my water just broken earlier I never would've had time to go on mental lock down. I guess you can argue that it is what it is and I shouldn't dwell on it because Camryn is here now and that's all that matters but i still feel sad that it wasn't what I had planned. It wasn't the beautiful birth story I had envisioned.

Since I had Camryn I've had the opportunity to see the postpartum nurse a couple of times but not the midwife. I honestly have no idea what the urgency was after I delivered the baby. The only thing i can gather was that I was bleeding out quite a bit, hemorrhaging maybe? When I researched why you would have to have a pitocin shot after giving birth everything basically pointed to a hemorrhage so I assume that's what happened. I haven't yet had the opportunity to ask.

As for right now i can definitely say that I'm super grateful that Camryn is here and that I'm no longer pregnant. I'll continue to deal with the other emotions as they come.

The Birth of Camryn: Part 3

I don't know how long I laid there for. 20 minutes? An hour? I felt like I slept, like I actually got some good rest despite the fact that I was already at a 10 and probably should've been pushing. I remember I had three good contractions laying there. I moaned through them, rocked my body, held my body tensely and I would squeeze my legs together as hard as I could through each one.  As the contraction passed I would fall back into my restful state. I could feel that the end was close but by that point I had decided I wasn't having the baby, I wasn't going to do this anymore and I was literally holding my baby back from being born. Im not sure how I did it but I must be pretty strong willed.

My midwife who had been attending to me came in with an older more experienced midwife.  Throughout my pregnancy I had seen all 4 midwives at the office so I knew each of them well and she was at the top of my list.  I needed someone to take charge because there was no way I was going to do this on my own.  My poor, sweet husband had exhausted all efforts and he was right beside me but I could tell he too was weary.  He continued to stay strong for me but he knew there wasn't much more he could say or do for me at that point.  The new midwife took charge right away and decided she was going to check me....again.  (Side note: Omgosh with the checking....Ive never been checked so much!!) My first midwife told her that my  membranes hadn't ruptured yet. I was lying on my side and midwife #2 asked me to hold my leg up while she checked me but I'm pretty sure I refused. This is where things get really fuzzy and blurry.  I don't know if #1  held my leg or if #2 did it or if I was actually holding it up even though I had refused....I don't think it really matters really but the next thing I know is that while she is checking me for dilation, knowing full well I'm at 10 and have been for awhile, my water broke.  I remember that it was so painful and then pop my water broke and I had a massively painful contraction.

I began to cry, I was throwing a tantrum really and midwife #2 was asking what was wrong. She wanted to know if there was something she could help me work through because at that point I was basically refusing to have the baby. I explained that I was just scared, I didn't need to work through anything. I felt like an idiot because as a woman who had done this 6 times I couldn't understand for the life of me why I couldn't just have this baby. Why was I so damn scared??? I was screaming No! NO! Im not ready, Im not ready! It was the most terrifying, most insane moment of my life.  In my head I'm thinking WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?  SHUT UP!  YOU CAN DO THIS!  But my mouth was screaming I CAN'T DO THIS! I'M NOT READY!!! 

At some point during all of that they were getting the tub ready for me and I could hear it running in the background. At that point I wanted nothing more than to get in that tub and see if maybe the water could help me relax. During the next painful contraction I could feel the baby descending and I knew she wanted out. I knew my body was pushing but I was squeezing as tight as I could, willing myself not to push because I wanted to get to the tub before I had her. I don't know why but I had become fixated on the sound of the water running and I NEEDED to get in that tub.

When the contraction subsided Jeremiah helped me stand up and walk to the tub. Miah on one side and I think midwfie #2 on the other. Midwife #1 was already near the tub waiting for me...I think. Was the nurse there by the tub, too? I don't know.  It's amazing to me how fuzzy this part was...how many holes there are in my memory only a couple days after I had her.  I lifted my leg to step into the bath tub and I immediately felt the warm water around my foot, I lifted my second leg in and tried to sit down.  I was paralyzed, as I was standing there halfway between standing and lowering myself into the tub the baby came ripping through me, ripping out of me. I tried to fight it but I was pushing and screaming. It was so immediate when I stepped my foot in the tub that Jeremiah didn't realize I was pushing. He was still trying to help me sit down in the tub when he realized she was actually right there, coming out. I stayed standing. I'm not sure who I was holding on to or who was holding on to me. I know Jeremiah must've been one of them but in that moment I was oblivious to anything but the baby. I pushed...at least I think I pushed...and I screamed and I screamed and I wondered if she was out yet. Had I delivered her head and shoulders yet? Was she still crowning? I dont remember the pushing as much as I remember the screaming. 

It seemed like it all happened in less then a minute and then....she was there.

Somehow I sat down in the water or someone sat me down right as soon as I had her. I was handed my baby. I don't know who gave her to me.  Midwife #1?  I'm pretty sure she was the one that caught the baby. I was sitting in the water, holding my new baby. She was crying, I was crying. It was so fuzzy.  Was she a girl?  I checked.  Yep.  Was she alright? Yep. All I could say was "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Because I was so sorry I had tried to hold her in and keep her from coming. I felt horrible.  I felt amazed.  I felt relieved.  I tried to keep her warm in the water as best I could while the midwives all fussed around me. I always wait for the cord to stop pulsating before I let them cut it.  I guess her cord must have stopped because they got it ready, clamped it and Jeremiah cut it. In my head it seemed so soon for the cord to have stopped pulsating but I really have no sense of time for anything that happened from the time my water broke to when I had her or anything after. I know she was born at 9:25am.

Jeremiah was sitting on the edge of the tub and he was teary eyed and crying. He seemed so happy. I, however, was feeling like I was having an out of body expereince, like I was just watching everything that was going on around me.  Generally, after I give birth I enjoy just holding my baby and "relaxing" until my body says it's time to deliver the placenta. Sometimes I nurse during this time, sometimes I don't. I remember sitting there holding her...It was like a dream....then I remember the water turning red. Blood slowly crawled across the water. I kind of felt like I was in a horror movie. It all seems like such a blur to me. I was there, it was happening to me but yet my memory seems as if I was just a spectator. I have no idea when they took the baby away. I know they gave her to Jeremiah but I don't remember giving her to him. Where did he go with her? Midwife #2 told me I needed to stand up and get out of the tub. I felt really weak and so, so tired. I tried to tell her to wait and give me a second because I didn't feel like I could get up but she didn't let me. In my minds eye she basically yanked me from the tub and made me go over to the bed. I vaguely remember it. I was standing next to the bed in my wet gown and they decided to have me take it off cause I was dripping wet. I laid down on the bed and someone was massaging my belly and kind of tugging on my cord to help deliver the placenta. They did this in hospital births but I never did this in home birth. I always delivered it when my body was ready. I kind of felt like something was wrong but I had no voice, I felt like I was on a cloud, so I just laid there. I was given a shot of pitocin and I was told I'd feel a pinch. I guess I agreed but I don't remember the "pinch,"  I didn't feel a thing.  I was floating...floating...and people were all around but I don't know where my baby was.

I honestly don't remember when or how I got into bed properly (because before that i was laying sideways) or when I was given the baby back. Jeremiah had been holding her the whole time, standing right next to the bed but I was never aware. I know when I finally had her back in my arms I just wanted to nurse her and she was so uninterested. She was crying a lot and I joked that it was because she was mad at me for trying to hold her in. I felt like a failure.  Even though I had just given birth I felt like I somehow messed up by holding her back. I don't know when but after sometime the midwives left assuring me that I did nothing wrong and I did a great job. We didn't weigh her or check her length they just wanted me to have some time with her. Then they were all gone and we were left alone.  My head felt more clear and I had this overwhelming feeling that a crisis had been averted.  I closed my eyes and said a quiet prayer and thanked God for my precious baby and that everything had turned out well.  


Jeremiah held me as I held and nursed our new little princess. The only pictures I have with her are of me nursing her...so I'll save those for myself.   Together both midwives brought me the most amazing blue berry pancakes and a strawberry banana smoothie. Along with my gourmet breakfast, my midwives and my sweet nurse  brought an amazing peach cobbler "BIRTHday" cake and they sang me Happy BIRTHday. It was so touching.

The Birth of Camryn Part 2

I jumped out of bed as soon as the contraction passed and looked at the clock, 2:30am.    Was this happening?  Was this real?  Jeremiah sat up in bed as I turned on the bathroom light, "Do we need to get ready to go?" He asked.  I walked over to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for awhile.  "Yes."  

This was new for us...the getting up and going.  We weren't sure how soon was too soon but given that I generally birth very, very fast (45 minutes from first contraction to delivery with Liam to about 3 hours for the others) we decided to get moving as soon as I knew that I was in labor.  We called the midwife and let her know we were on our way.  

{{Side Track}}

With our first 3 children I had them at the hospital where I was induced (with 2 of them) for convenient reasons, given an epidural, and stayed in the hospital for a couple days after.  With my next 3 children I had the amazing experience of delivering naturally at home, without medication, with the help of a midwife. I was also able to have a water birth with Aidan which was pretty amazing.  My home birth experiences have been so wonderful that of course I assumed that any other children I have would be at home as well.  When I found out I was pregnant with Camryn it was just a couple months after my surgeries.  The Dr had warned against getting pregnant again before a year because of the damaged I received to my fallopian tube and ovary and even though there were precautions taken Heavenly father had other plans.   Obviously I wanted a home birth but with that scare I started seeing an OB while I tried to make my decision as to where I would give birth to this baby.  When we moved back, at around 22 weeks, I contacted the midwife who delivered Aidan thinking I would do another home birth.  However, one day I stumbled upon the name of a birth center that had recently opened up in the area just 15 minutes or so from our home.  I was interested in the concept of a birth center and decided to look into it.  After touring the birth center I felt at home and comfortable with the midwives and the facility.  I would still be with a midwife, I would still be able to birth my way-naturally with no intervention, and my insurance would pay for it.  (BIG PLUS! since I've paid for everyone of my home births 100% out of pocket) 

{{Back to the Story}}

I let my dad know that I was in labor and was leaving to go to the Birth Center.  He lives about 10-15 minutes away and would be coming over to help with the children while we were gone. Jeremiah woke Ashlynne up and let her know we were leaving and that grandpa would be there soon.  I had only had 2 contractions since I'd woken up and I told Jeremiah that I really wish that I had just one more before we left to know for sure that this was it.  I walked into Ashlynne's room to tell her good bye and another big contraction hit....that was my confirmation.  Out the door we went to the Birth Center.  We talked in the car, listened to music, and I breathed my way through several more contractions.  It was a short 20 minute drive and when we arrived we were greeted at the door by the midwife....it was a little surreal, I was going in waddling and I was going to be leaving here with a baby!! 

I walked around the waiting area for awhile as they readied the room for me.  I was 4cm dilated, almost completely effaced.  My contractions were 8-10 minutes apart and I was trying to move things along with the walking.  As soon as the room was ready we headed back and I changed into something other than sweats and a t-shirt....and then we waited.  Labor continued but I was surprised at how long and dragged out it seemed to be compared to my other labors.  I started second guessing myself.  Am I really in labor?  Is this going to end in another episode of painful braxton hicks that lead no where?  I've had 6 other children so this really wasn't something I was brand new at. I knew when it was labor. Why was I doubting myself?  Why hadn't my water broken?

Jeremiah and I sometime around 5am...waiting, waiting, laboring

We listened to a play list I had made on my iphone and I sang through my contractions, sometimes moaned through them despite the pain.  I danced with my husband.  We talked and smiled and then another contraction would come and he'd hold me and I'd hold him.  Our midwife was in and out of the room letting Jeremiah and I do our thing as I labored.  I appreciated the space to just do what I needed to do but I was starting to become anxious.  I thought I was doing pretty good and things were going well but I couldn't understand why I wasn't progressing. There was an exercise ball in the room and I decided to do some bouncing to see if it would help move things a long.  I bounced on the ball to help bring some more contractions. It worked to intensify the contractions and I really felt like it was doing some good...but the pain....yikes. I'm so used to labor being fast and furious that I never get to actually breathe and dwell on the pain too much.  This time was different.  

In labor...just after a contraction...I really tried to smile

It was nearly sunrise and I just couldn't understand why I wasn't done already. It's silly when you think about it considering some women labor for 30 hours but I'm just not one of those ladies.  I started to get into my head a lot, I started to create a mental block.

I just felt like the baby was floating there and like she wasn't doing anything to help the labor. I laid down for a bit, I felt the contractions but still didn't feel progress. I just wanted my water to break already, I was getting antsy. I stood up and walked around the bed during the next couple contractions. Jeremiah would hold my belly up and back to try and maybe correct the babies position a little and help make things progress. It helped to relieve some of the pain. I was trying everything I could think of, I felt like this was going to be a lot like Julianna...stuck at a 5, bulging waters but no progress because her head wasn't putting the pressure where it needed to be. I knew I needed the bag of waters to be broken. I knew from all of my other experiences that the minute my water broke the baby would come flying out of me. (Well maybe not flying....)  I tried to use this knowledge to help me and I sat on the toilet several times to try and push through a contraction to help break my water but nothing happened. I felt like I was pushing uphill or something. I squatted by the bed and tried to push through a contraction and still nothing.

I was feeling defeated and frustrated. I didn't know if I was making this happen, if it was in my head. I was so upset that this wasn't working out like before. I wanted to get in the water but the midwife thought it would stall my labor so I didn't. The more wait time, the more contractions, the more anxious and nervous and scared I got about the impending birth. It was going to hurt, a lot. It already hurt a lot. I shut down. I was done. I didn't want to go on anymore. I wanted to go home. I couldn't do this. My midwife checked me and said that I was "almost there." She tried to get me to push just a little (even though I wasn't feeling push-y). She told me that I was right there and if I just pushed we could have the baby there in no time.  She was trying so hard to be encouraging and I just couldn't pull myself out of my own head to make it happen.  I was lying on my back. I half-heartedly tried 3 pushes and I couldn't do it. Nothing was happening and I was sort of scared for anything to happen because I didn't want to go through the pain of delivery. I was so tired. I was sad. I was scared. I was anxious. I was frustrated. I sat on the toilet crying and cussing and just so done with the whole process. Why wasn't my baby here? What was going on? If I could just get my water to break...if my water would just break. I wanted to go home so badly. I just wanted to be done. If I wanted that so badly why couldn't I make it happen? Why??? I was just so done. Jeremiah was trying so hard to talk me through it, to help me out of the funk I'd gotten myself into.  He asked what I wanted to do and the only answer I could muster up was, "I want to go home, I don't want to do this anymore." 

I was obviously tired and broken.  My midwife suggested that I lay down for a bit and get some rest. I gladly accepted her offer, hoping and praying that sleep would come and I could avoid this whole birth thing.

...to be continued...

The Birth of Camryn, Part I...

It was just a week ago Friday morning, 9 days over due. That morning when I woke up I felt like I'd been hit by a train. I ached all over, I couldn't walk without my legs feeling like they were on fire. I sat down on the couch and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I just felt like I was dragging all day long. Jeremiah and I met for lunch at a little sushi place and I could barely get down my miso soup and four small pieces of California roll. I kept thinking that maybe my body was gearing up for something but I didn't want to get my hopes up.

Later that evening I took Ashlynne to Walmart to pick up a gift card for a friend. Walking from the parking lot into the store was torture. I had to stop every few steps because my legs would lock from the pain and pressure of the baby being so low. No contractions just lots and lots of discomfort. I remember telling myself if I could just make it to the gift cards by the register I'd be ok. When we got there I realized we needed a card, now I had to convince myself to make it to the greeting card area and back to the register. I walked a few steps and stopped, walked a few more steps and stopped. It was so difficult to walk properly without the discomfort. Was this it? Was my water gonna break at Walmart? Was I going into labor? We got the birthday card and I decided we needed one more thing from the grocery area but as I walked halfway passed the clothes I realized there was no way I was going to make it to the grocery section. It just hurt so much to walk. Really I just needed to get out of there and get home.

Jeremiah was scheduled to substitute that evening until 10:30pm and was about an hour from home. I texted him to let him know how I was feeling but told him not to rush home just yet. When i arrived at home I still felt uncomfortable and out of sorts. I walked up the path to my house and stopped twice because of the pressure. I decided to sit down and relax for a bit then I took a warm shower. The shower helped ease the pain but maybe a little too much because soon I felt relaxed and then it was all over. I thought to myself, Great another false alarm good thing I didn't make Miah come home.

I waited up for him to come home and decided to do some walking around my house. I power walked in circles for about an hour. Liam walked with me and kept singing "we're running the baby out, we're running the baby out!" I didn't feel like I was making any progress and whatever pain I had been in just a few hours before was still not coming back. When Jeremiah came home I decided to just get some sleep....if it was going to happen then it would, if not then I'd still be pregnant in the morning.

I closed my eyes and began to dream that I was in labor. Waves of contractions came over me and I moaned through the pain. All of sudden a forceful contraction woke me up straight out of bed. Had i really been dreaming? It was 2:30 in the morning and I realized that this was it, this was real. I was going to meet my baby today.

Me at 41 weeks just 2 days before I went into labor...

Happy 1st Birthday Aidan!!

This last year went way too fast and before I knew it zooooooommmmmmm it was Aidan's birthday and he was turning one years old! Holy Moly! So in honor of his first birthday (Monday, September 26th) you can check out his home birth story if you so choose:

Aidan's Birth Story Part 1
Aidan's Birth Story Part 2
Aidan's Birth Story Part 3

and because everyone loves a picture of a baby smashing through his cake here's a little slideshow....

Aidan's First Birthday

Aidan Jeremiah: Part 3, The Birth

Ashlynne and Elise were at a friends house for the evening. The other children were going to stay with my father in an upstairs bedroom where we had placed the extra mattresses for the night so they could get some rest(natural birth tends to be ummmm....noisy).

Within a short while my midwife and her assistant arrived at our door. As upset as I had been a couple hours before, I felt an overwhelming peace and calmness at her arrival. It was time for the kids to sleep I hugged Brinton then Julianna and I let them know they would have a baby brother by morning (hoping that was the case). When I came to Liam, my baby, I held him, hugged him. He was very clingy and unusually attached to me as if he knew that he was about to lose his spot as my youngest child. I reassured him that I love him. I sang him a little song and we cuddled for a minute. Then I watched as my sweet Liam toddled out the door as my little baby...the next time I would see him he would be a big brother.

When the kids had left, we went about preparing for the birth, making sure we had everything necessary, checking vitals, etc. We chatted for a bit and then it was time to rupture my membranes. It was the weirdest sensation, waters gushing, my lack of control in the matter...

"So now what?" I asked.

"We wait."

MORE WAITING. Yay me! (insert extreme sarcasm)

We visited for a long while, contractions came and went, nothing really timeable or worth recording but they were there. Soon the contractions became much more consistent. Each time I would have one my midwife gave me several drops of the herb Cottonwood Bark. It has this really bitter, stinging taste, but it helps in bringing on the contractions. After drinking all the castor oil I did earlier that day I'm not sure anything could taste worse.

It was 11:30pm, it was getting late and we were all getting tired. It appeared that it would be some time before active labor really kicked in and we decided we could all use some rest. We had air mattresses in the living room for the midwife and her assistant. I was becoming more uncomfortable and decided to stay seated in the recliner chair we had placed by our bed. Jeremiah stayed right next to me.

...and then everything was quiet...

Sitting in the dark, quiet room I began to hear the rhythm of my laboring body. The beginning , the rise, the peak, the fall of each contraction...over and over again. Closer and closer. I dug deep down inside me and gathered my strength. I breathed. I moaned. I sang my birth song through each new contraction that now seemed to come faster and more consistently. I was afraid if I didn't wake everyone up soon and let them know that Aidan's birth was near that there would not be enough time to prepare the birthing tub for my planned water birth. I nudged Jeremiah and asked him to go wake them.

Everyone began to move quickly. They inflated the birthing tub, and began to fill it. I continued to labor in the chair feeling calm and collected. I was excited. It was almost time. Finally it was time to step into the birthing tub where I would deliver my baby. It was 12:45am.

...and then I lost my nerve...

The only problem is that you can't lose your nerve when you are in labor. Once you are there it doesn't end until you've had a baby. Even now I can't imagine what came over me. I've had 5 children before this, 2 of them at home and yet I was scared! I mean really scared. I don't know if it was the pain or what, it was so incredibly wierd. I actually was having an internal war with myself as I knelt in the tub. I felt like Aidan was telling me "Mom it's time, I'm coming out now" and I was actually, literally shaking my head and telling him "No" I kept telling Jeremiah, I'm scared, I know it's irrational but I don't think I can do this, I'm scared. He offered up some wonderful words of encouragement but I just wasn't feeling it. I'm pretty sure I told him that I loved him but he needed to shut up.

...and then I felt Aidan pushing through...

I was screaming. Like really, really screaming. I had never screamed like that. I know it wasn't the pain because the water all around me was soothing. It was warm, I felt weightless, I felt protected in that big tub. It was fear.

I slowly felt my body pushing my baby out. I tried not to but the feeling was so overwhelming. As he crowned he twisted and turned his head in such a way that I screamed "GET HIM OUT! PLEASE HELP ME! PLEASE!" I'm not sure if I was screaming for Jeremiah's help, or for my midwifes help, or for my Heavenly Father's help, I just knew that I couldn't do it any longer. I just couldn't.

...and then he was out...

All of a sudden I felt all the pain just wash away. My eyes were blurry from the tears and my glasses were splashed and foggy from the water. I reached down into the birthing tub and grabbed for my baby although I could not see him clearly. As I lifted him up out of the water and into the world he began to cry. He was beautiful. It was 1:17am on Sunday, September 26. I held him in my arms and everything just stopped. For several minutes it was just me and him. There was things happening all around me but all I saw was Aidan. I realized I hadn't checked to see if he was actually a boy, he was. I held him in the water for a long time just gazing at this beautiful little person that I had just been blessed with. He rooted around looking for something to eat and nursed right away.



When the time came to step out of the birthing tub I turned to hand Aidan over to Jeremiah and noticed that our little guys umbilical cord had a true knot in it!! Based on statistics true knots occur in about 1% of pregnancies. Actually, true knots lead to an extremely high risk of fetal loss and are not generally detected prior to birth. What a miracle our little Aidan's birth had been. The fact that his birth was so quick and without any complications whatsoever was indeed a miracle. I was amazed.



I stepped out of the birth tub and into the shower for several minutes. Jeremiah held Aidan skin-to-skin for warmth and had some bonding time with our newborn son. I was so glad that they would have this quiet time together before Miah had to leave for the week. I feel so incredibly lucky to have married such an amazing, supportive husband and father.

When he was finally ready to part with Aidan for a moment we weighed and measured our little peanut, he was 7lbs 11 ozs, 21" long. I diapered him, dressed him, and swaddled him. He quickly fell asleep so peacefully.



It was well passed 2am, maybe even 3am. I was so exhausted that I could hardly keep my eyes open. My midwife was giving me some instructions for the next several days and I was nodding off to sleep, I apologized profusely but my eyes could not stay open any longer. She left a short while later and I snuggled up to my husband on one side of me, next to our newborn baby boy on the other and I slept....for an hour. Aidan woke me up wailing, poopy, mad, and ready to eat. The name Aidan means "Little Fire" and in that moment as he demanded to be nursed I KNEW we had given him the perfect name.

Aidan Jeremiah: Part Two

I was trying to let nature take its course. I very much believe in allowing labor to happen naturally. I had learned a lot with my previous experience with Liam about trusting in the Lord and in His timing. However, I was getting more and more desperate with each passing day. It didn't help that I was 4cm dilated, or that I had been having consistent contractions on and off for several weeks, or that baby was at a super low +2 station. All of these factors combined said birth was imminent, but the way I saw it labor was still weeks away.

After Friday night's football game I decided to take a little more proactive approach. After some research and some help from an awesome friend who's sister is a midwife I bought some homeopathics and essential oils. I began a regimin of slathering my tummy with yucky smelling oils, taking homeopathics every couple hours. I was even waking up in the middle of the night to do so....by morning NOTHING. Not one contraction. It was Saturday, 2 days till my husband left for Louisiana for the week. 6 days before the move. I felt so defeated. I cried. I cried a lot. I called my midwife and cried some more. Then I decided to go ahead and do something I was dreading....

I.drank.castor.oil.

Yep. I did it. At around 12:30pm on Saturday, Sept 25, I drank the nastiest, most disgusting thing EVER. I drank nearly 8 oz. of the stuff mixed in with root beer. It was awful. It was so bad that I can't even look at the bottle without feeling sick to my stomach. OMGosh I can't even explain it!!!!!! BLEECCCHHHHHHH! (I did this with Liam too but did not drink enough and it didn't do anything to me or for me.)

Do you know what castor oil does? It purges your bowels and purge it did.

By 5pm, the effects of the castor oil had reached their peak and by 7pm they pretty much tapered off. I spoke with my midwife once again, upset, still desperate, feeling sick but not really much closer to labor. I was 10 days past my estimated due date!! I was angry, I was frustrated, I was depressed. I couldn't imagine not having my husband right by my side as I delivered our little boy. I had no one if I didn't have him. I missed my mother so incredibly much at that moment. I wished with all my might that she were alive to hold me, cry with me, be there with me. I was so mad that she died. I was so mad that Jeremiah had to go on his stupid business trip and that we had to move so freaking far away just days after I had a baby and that the baby just wasn't coming out! I WAS SO MAD! I prayed for help. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for strength.

I spoke with my midwife once again and she suggested our very last resort, she could break my water and see if that got labor rolling. There are a couple of concerns with breaking the water:

1. Cord Prolapse, where the cord slips out before the baby and then as the baby descends it puts pressure on the cord. It's rare but still a consideration.
2. What if she broke my water and after 24 hours I still didn't have a baby?
3. What about letting nature take its course? It pretty much went against everything that I felt was right as far as natural birth goes.

I discussed it with Jeremiah, we said a prayer together and we felt like it was the right thing to do. I contacted my midwife once again and let her know that we were ready to take that step. She said she'd be over in an hour and a half and I breathed a sigh of relief, this would all be over soon. However, I was still nervous and having some second thoughts about what I was about to do. I decided to take a warm shower before she arrived. While there I awkwardly lowered my very pregnant body down on to my knees in the bath tub. I clasped my hands, closed my eyes and prayed once more. Heavenly Father am I doing the right thing?? And I heard a voice distinctly say, "Yes," and I knew that in just a few hours I would be holding my little boy.

{Part Three Tomorrow}

Aidan Jeremiah: Part One

It's been one month today since our beautiful baby boy Aidan was born. So many things have happened over the last month since his birth and the month leading up to his birth. I can honestly say these have been some of the most trying, yet wonderful months of my life and I'm only just now coming up for air to finally write about it.

For some reason so many crazy things seems to happen to me right around "birth" time. Last time, with Liam, I was in Las Vegas with my mother waiting and waiting for a baby that would arrive 3 weeks late, while my family settled down to our new life in Kansas...without me. -->read here<--

This time was no exception for craziness, lucky me.

After lots of research, pondering, prayer, discussion, arguement, prayer again, more discussion and lots more prayer, Jeremiah and I decided that it would be best if he went back to school to complete a graduate degree. It was something that had long been discussed but when the time finally came to make the decision I was a little nervous. We had initially thought that he would attend University of Kansas (KU) but after researching their program it just didn't really feel right. What did feel right was Pittsburg State University....located in small town Pittsburg, KS, about 2 hours south of where we lived. Aidan was expected some time around September 15th and Fall semester started at the end of August so we thought it would be best for Miah to start school in January so that we could have the baby with our midwife in Olathe, settle down into a routine with 6 kids, and allow our older children to attend the first half of school where they were familiar, before transitioning to a new city.

Perfect plan right?

Yep, only...remember how I said crazy things happen right around birth time for me?!

So the short story of how the craziness began is:
The house we lived in had developed some serious maintenance issues. In the middle of August, after discussing the issues with the landlord, we decided it would be best if we moved (as there were numerous health hazards which they refused to repair) and we were let out of the lease early. Well that was great because we were planning on moving anyway, right? Except that we weren't planning on moving October 1st! Just days after having a baby and just weeks after the kids started school and 3 months before Jeremiah even started at Pitt State....blah!

We began frantically packing the house, planning for the move, trying to find somewhere to live, waiting for the baby...it was RIDICULOUS! I felt like I was scrambling about and flying by the seat of my pants (what does that mean anyway?) I was really hoping and praying Aidan would come a couple weeks before his due date so that I would have some time to rest and relax before the big move. Also, Jeremiah had a big business trip planned for the last week of September (the actual week we were moving) and knowing I was going to have to do that part of the move myself, I just really wanted to have everything in place before that time. Lastly, we were planning another Home Birth for Aidan. We had to be out of the house no later then noon October 1st and if I was still pregnant then where would I have my home birth? My midwife already lived an hour north of us and I tend to labor very quickly, how would she be able to make it to the birth if I was 3 hours from her? As you can imagine I was pretty much FREAKING OUT!

When I hit 36 weeks I really felt like I was almost to the finish line....

At 37 weeks I started getting antsy for our baby to make his appearance. Then 38 weeks passed...Then 39 weeks passed...the whole time I was walking like crazy. Long distances, short distances, mall walking, walk, walk, walk.

At 39 1/2 weeks I couldn't imagine being pregnant another day. Surely I wouldn't make it to my due date....

40 weeks! My September 15th due date AND also my 29th birthday!

All of this time, I was packing and trying to plan our new life in Pittsburg. By September 18th we had moved all our belongings out of the house and down to Pittsburg. We left the master bedroom semi intact with a bed and a television, so that I had somewhere to sleep each night and somewhere to have my baby. We set up mattresses in the living room area for the kids and basically lived as squatters in our own home for next 2 1/2 weeks.

At 41 weeks I made the decision to have my membranes stripped. Then at 41 weeks and 3 days pregnant I went to the Olathe North Homecoming game with the girls. I stood on the sidelines and cheered, even jumped a little bit. Nothing.

I was trying to let nature take it's course and trying to trust in the Lord and in his timing. I was trying to embrace each day of my pregnancy. I cried alot. I was scared that I would deliver my baby alone, without my husband for support. Each day that passed was one day closer to our physical move. One day closer to Jeremiah leaving me for a full week. One day closer to not having a home to have my baby in....

{This post is getting long. Tune in to "Part Two" tomorrow}

{all photos were taken on my iPhone because I have no clue where my camera is....so yeah these blurry pics are the only record of my pregnancy...yipee}

An old post never published....

I was going back through old posts this morning adding "Tags" and such when I happened upon an old draft of a post that was never published. How odd, I thought. So I clicked on it cause it was just titled "The WHOLE Story" and I had no clue what it was...would you believe its my birth story from when I had Liam?? Why didn't I ever publish it???? Well I did now and if you'd like to go back and read it feel free...it's great...it still amazes me!!!!

THE WHOLE BIRTH STORY

The WHOLE Birth Story...

What a beautiful, wonderful, spiritual, frustrating, terrifying, near agonizing experience this whole pregnancy and finally BIRTH (yippee!) has been. Most birth stories begin at the onset of labor mine begins an agonizing month before. In the week or so before Jeremiah left (because we were moving to Kansas) I literally did everything I knew how to do to hurry along the process so that he could be there. I walked several miles everyday, I danced around the house, I took loooong showers and talked to my belly trying to coax Liam out and I prayed. Oh did I pray...I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. I begged the Lord, "please don't let me have this baby without his father here...Jeremiah needs to be a part of this...please." No baby.

March 29th came so quickly, Jeremiah was all packed up in our moving truck and ready to leave. In my sadness, just like that he was gone and I was STILL pregnant. We had scheduled a plane ticket for him to fly back on April 5th (because surely I would've had the baby by then, right?!) The plan was that we would all pack up in our mini-van and ride off into the sunset as a family to start our new life in Kansas. Instead, Miah flew in, baby was still snug in my tummy, he packed up the minivan, loaded up my children, took my father with him for back up and THEY rode off into the sunset and I was left behind here in Vegas at my mom's to wait..how very, very long that wait was.

I continued to pray, to walk, to beg Liam to come out. I had several false starts but still nothing. Jeremiah had to fly back for a meeting on the 28th and he kept saying he felt like he was gonna fly back to Vegas before I ever made it out to Kansas. My midwife didn't think so...I was ripe and ready there was no way I could be pregnant that long...I was 4 cm! It was time. But I was pregnant for "that long."

I decided to resort to Castor-oil on Wednesday April 23rd. That day I kept talking to baby Liam in my belly and telling him it was his birthday...nope! Nothing happened beyond some very manageable discomfort. However, in the middle of the night I woke up in a panic. I was having an extremely strong, intense contraction that would not let up. My stomach remained very hard for a very, very long time. I got up and tried to walk it off in my mother's living room. I was freaking out, praying....I couldn't feel the baby move. I tried the old orange juice trick to get him moving...nothing. Finally, crying and shaking I called my midwife at 3am and said "The baby stopped moving" She got to my mom's house about 15 min later...I was a wreck, she was a wreck, my mom was a wreck. She pulled out the doppler looking for a heartbeat...initially nothing. My heart sank. But then there it was soft but steady. It was a little slower then usual but it was there. In the morning any sign of contractions was gone. I rested up the whole next day still anxious and praying.

By this time I had resigned myself to the fact that Jeremiah would not be present despite my pleas to the Lord a month earlier. In just two days my husband would be flying into Las Vegas and in my mind it'd be cool if I had the baby before he got there so he could spend some time with his son. Nope! I talked to Kaye the midwife the evening before he arrived and asked if she could strip my membranes the next morning in hopes that I could have the baby while Miah was present. She agreed.

That night I felt horrible, I tossed, turned, ached...I lost some of the mucous plug in the morning (which honestly meant nothing to me because I had also lost it the week before) but I felt real icky. Kaye arrived around 10am checked me...4cm...ready to go (like I had been for 2 weeks)...having mini contractions and she was fairly certain I was in pre-labor. (whatever, right?!) She stretched my cervix a bit which was extremely painful (to the point where I had sweat dripping down my brow) Thankfully, my mother was beside me holding my hand through the whole thing. Afterward, Kaye left but said she would return later to check my progress.

At that time my mother and I went for a walk. I felt some contractions but nothing really strong. I felt the the best when I was rocking in my mothers reclining couch listening to John Denver sing "Sunshine on my Shoulder" and "Rocky Mountain High" Jeremiah arrived from the airport around 2pm just as Kaye arrived to check my progress...there was none...except the slight contractions I was having. She then left and asked us to call if anything. We hung out in the house for awhile then Jeremiah, my mom, and I went for another walk...I was sort of feeling contractions but they weren't intense and the hopelessness was setting in. Just then we saw an ice cream truck...surely a popsicle could cheer me up! (and it did, lol)

We returned to my mothers at about 4pm and began to listen to John Denver as we sat in her living room talking and enjoying one anothers company but I was mindful of the slight, irregular contractions I was feeling. I didn't want to get excited because this had literally been going on for weeks. At exactly 4:47pm I sent a text message to my friend Sarah saying that I was having contractions but I didn't want to get my hopes up...I pressed send and then I got up and went to the rest room. While there I had the BIGGEST Contraction. My mom said we needed to call Kaye right then. I waddled out of the bathroom and began to say that I really didn't think it was necessary and then BAM! another strong contraction and I was on my knees. Jeremiah called Kaye from his cell and left a message. I waddled into the bedroom and began having major contraction after major contraction. I wept, I moaned (I like to sing out the pain) Kaye called back, she talked to me for a second and I told her I was fine (I lied)...I hung up and the next instant I was having another contracton they were coming on top of eachother...Miah called Kaye again. She was on her way. When she arrived my moans were already sounding really "pushy" so she only had time to set up everything in the living room and I waddled, crawled, clung to Miah as I made my way to the living room where she had set up the blankets and place where I would have my baby boy. I got down on all fours....actually I kind of landed there and couldn't move. Jeremiah was right beside me holding me, cheering me on, helping me through it all...I was in so much pain...his arm was right next to my mouth...I cried out and nearly bit into his arm but realized just as I was about to and didn't..thank goodness! I pushed with all my might and then at 5:33pm (not quite an hour from when the first contraction started) my beautiful baby boy slithered out and was pushed toward me. We rejoiced, we cried, we embraced. As soon as I was able I took a hot shower and then sat down to snuggle in with my sweet new baby boy, Liam Conor....all 9 lbs. 9 ozs of him!!

Home birth is so incredibly empowering and such an amazing spiritual experience. I feel honored and so blessed to have had the opportunity to birth my babies at home. The greatest thing I learned in this experience was to trust in the Lord and in his timing. I plead with him to make it possible for Jeremiah to be there and I felt like HE ignored that plea. But in his timing the Lord came through and my wonderful husband was right there cheering me on and lifting me up as I birthed our 5th child in the safety of his arms. The Lord always knows what he is doing.

Some more pics...

Jeremiah helping me through a painful contraction


Liam and I exhausted soon after Liam was born


Mommy and Handsome Liam Conor


Daddy is so happy to be with his little boy!


Liam Conor - Day One

Welcome Baby Liam!!

After weeks and weeks of waiting William "Liam" Conor Bowles finally arrived yesterday April 26th, 2008 at 5:33pm after a beautiful home birth. He weighed in at a whopping 9lbs. 9 ozs and he was 21 3/4 inches long. After only 1 hr of active labor (and too many false starts over the last weeks to mention)we feel so blessed to hold our little Liam in our arms. Jeremiah came to visit for the weekend due to a business meeting on Monday, he arrived at the house at 2:00 pm and labor started shortly thereafter. I guess our little boy was waiting until his daddy arrived to make his big entrance into the world. We called the kids in Kansas immediatley after and they were able to hear his sweet little cries. As you can imagine they are all extremely excited to meet their new baby brother on Friday when we fly home! Elise was disappointed that he did not have red hair (I'm not sure why she thought he would) but was excited that he was chubby, Julianna was happy that she is now a "big girl." Brinton and Ashlynne can't wait to help out with the baby.

One picture for now many more to follow later. :)