The Birth of Camryn: Part 3

I don't know how long I laid there for. 20 minutes? An hour? I felt like I slept, like I actually got some good rest despite the fact that I was already at a 10 and probably should've been pushing. I remember I had three good contractions laying there. I moaned through them, rocked my body, held my body tensely and I would squeeze my legs together as hard as I could through each one.  As the contraction passed I would fall back into my restful state. I could feel that the end was close but by that point I had decided I wasn't having the baby, I wasn't going to do this anymore and I was literally holding my baby back from being born. Im not sure how I did it but I must be pretty strong willed.

My midwife who had been attending to me came in with an older more experienced midwife.  Throughout my pregnancy I had seen all 4 midwives at the office so I knew each of them well and she was at the top of my list.  I needed someone to take charge because there was no way I was going to do this on my own.  My poor, sweet husband had exhausted all efforts and he was right beside me but I could tell he too was weary.  He continued to stay strong for me but he knew there wasn't much more he could say or do for me at that point.  The new midwife took charge right away and decided she was going to check me....again.  (Side note: Omgosh with the checking....Ive never been checked so much!!) My first midwife told her that my  membranes hadn't ruptured yet. I was lying on my side and midwife #2 asked me to hold my leg up while she checked me but I'm pretty sure I refused. This is where things get really fuzzy and blurry.  I don't know if #1  held my leg or if #2 did it or if I was actually holding it up even though I had refused....I don't think it really matters really but the next thing I know is that while she is checking me for dilation, knowing full well I'm at 10 and have been for awhile, my water broke.  I remember that it was so painful and then pop my water broke and I had a massively painful contraction.

I began to cry, I was throwing a tantrum really and midwife #2 was asking what was wrong. She wanted to know if there was something she could help me work through because at that point I was basically refusing to have the baby. I explained that I was just scared, I didn't need to work through anything. I felt like an idiot because as a woman who had done this 6 times I couldn't understand for the life of me why I couldn't just have this baby. Why was I so damn scared??? I was screaming No! NO! Im not ready, Im not ready! It was the most terrifying, most insane moment of my life.  In my head I'm thinking WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?  SHUT UP!  YOU CAN DO THIS!  But my mouth was screaming I CAN'T DO THIS! I'M NOT READY!!! 

At some point during all of that they were getting the tub ready for me and I could hear it running in the background. At that point I wanted nothing more than to get in that tub and see if maybe the water could help me relax. During the next painful contraction I could feel the baby descending and I knew she wanted out. I knew my body was pushing but I was squeezing as tight as I could, willing myself not to push because I wanted to get to the tub before I had her. I don't know why but I had become fixated on the sound of the water running and I NEEDED to get in that tub.

When the contraction subsided Jeremiah helped me stand up and walk to the tub. Miah on one side and I think midwfie #2 on the other. Midwife #1 was already near the tub waiting for me...I think. Was the nurse there by the tub, too? I don't know.  It's amazing to me how fuzzy this part was...how many holes there are in my memory only a couple days after I had her.  I lifted my leg to step into the bath tub and I immediately felt the warm water around my foot, I lifted my second leg in and tried to sit down.  I was paralyzed, as I was standing there halfway between standing and lowering myself into the tub the baby came ripping through me, ripping out of me. I tried to fight it but I was pushing and screaming. It was so immediate when I stepped my foot in the tub that Jeremiah didn't realize I was pushing. He was still trying to help me sit down in the tub when he realized she was actually right there, coming out. I stayed standing. I'm not sure who I was holding on to or who was holding on to me. I know Jeremiah must've been one of them but in that moment I was oblivious to anything but the baby. I pushed...at least I think I pushed...and I screamed and I screamed and I wondered if she was out yet. Had I delivered her head and shoulders yet? Was she still crowning? I dont remember the pushing as much as I remember the screaming. 

It seemed like it all happened in less then a minute and then....she was there.

Somehow I sat down in the water or someone sat me down right as soon as I had her. I was handed my baby. I don't know who gave her to me.  Midwife #1?  I'm pretty sure she was the one that caught the baby. I was sitting in the water, holding my new baby. She was crying, I was crying. It was so fuzzy.  Was she a girl?  I checked.  Yep.  Was she alright? Yep. All I could say was "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Because I was so sorry I had tried to hold her in and keep her from coming. I felt horrible.  I felt amazed.  I felt relieved.  I tried to keep her warm in the water as best I could while the midwives all fussed around me. I always wait for the cord to stop pulsating before I let them cut it.  I guess her cord must have stopped because they got it ready, clamped it and Jeremiah cut it. In my head it seemed so soon for the cord to have stopped pulsating but I really have no sense of time for anything that happened from the time my water broke to when I had her or anything after. I know she was born at 9:25am.

Jeremiah was sitting on the edge of the tub and he was teary eyed and crying. He seemed so happy. I, however, was feeling like I was having an out of body expereince, like I was just watching everything that was going on around me.  Generally, after I give birth I enjoy just holding my baby and "relaxing" until my body says it's time to deliver the placenta. Sometimes I nurse during this time, sometimes I don't. I remember sitting there holding her...It was like a dream....then I remember the water turning red. Blood slowly crawled across the water. I kind of felt like I was in a horror movie. It all seems like such a blur to me. I was there, it was happening to me but yet my memory seems as if I was just a spectator. I have no idea when they took the baby away. I know they gave her to Jeremiah but I don't remember giving her to him. Where did he go with her? Midwife #2 told me I needed to stand up and get out of the tub. I felt really weak and so, so tired. I tried to tell her to wait and give me a second because I didn't feel like I could get up but she didn't let me. In my minds eye she basically yanked me from the tub and made me go over to the bed. I vaguely remember it. I was standing next to the bed in my wet gown and they decided to have me take it off cause I was dripping wet. I laid down on the bed and someone was massaging my belly and kind of tugging on my cord to help deliver the placenta. They did this in hospital births but I never did this in home birth. I always delivered it when my body was ready. I kind of felt like something was wrong but I had no voice, I felt like I was on a cloud, so I just laid there. I was given a shot of pitocin and I was told I'd feel a pinch. I guess I agreed but I don't remember the "pinch,"  I didn't feel a thing.  I was floating...floating...and people were all around but I don't know where my baby was.

I honestly don't remember when or how I got into bed properly (because before that i was laying sideways) or when I was given the baby back. Jeremiah had been holding her the whole time, standing right next to the bed but I was never aware. I know when I finally had her back in my arms I just wanted to nurse her and she was so uninterested. She was crying a lot and I joked that it was because she was mad at me for trying to hold her in. I felt like a failure.  Even though I had just given birth I felt like I somehow messed up by holding her back. I don't know when but after sometime the midwives left assuring me that I did nothing wrong and I did a great job. We didn't weigh her or check her length they just wanted me to have some time with her. Then they were all gone and we were left alone.  My head felt more clear and I had this overwhelming feeling that a crisis had been averted.  I closed my eyes and said a quiet prayer and thanked God for my precious baby and that everything had turned out well.  


Jeremiah held me as I held and nursed our new little princess. The only pictures I have with her are of me nursing her...so I'll save those for myself.   Together both midwives brought me the most amazing blue berry pancakes and a strawberry banana smoothie. Along with my gourmet breakfast, my midwives and my sweet nurse  brought an amazing peach cobbler "BIRTHday" cake and they sang me Happy BIRTHday. It was so touching.