A little something growing inside of me....Warning: This is a long Post.

It's weird to make an announcement and then take it away in the same sentence but that's exactly what I'm going to do... I'm 12 weeks pregnant and I'm not 12 weeks pregnant. I mean my body thinks it's pregnant but it's not really. Is that the weirdest thing you've ever heard?

Let's go back a little bit...

In June of this year a pregnancy test revealed that I was expecting our 7th child. Aidan wasn't quite 8 months old yet and I was in complete and total shock, this was a huge surprise. Of course we would love more children and will gladly and willingly accept any sweet little blessings the Lord chooses to send our way BUT I really wasn't expecting another baby so close to Aidan, or while Jeremiah was still in school....I was thinking like another 5 years or so, not so soon. I told Jeremiah but otherwise I kept it to myself while I continued to process what this would mean for our family in the coming months. I hadn't told anyone until about 3 weeks ago and even then it was very, very few people. I'm not sure why I wasn't ready to shout it from the mountain tops but it was just taking a really, really long time for me to get used to the idea.

In the last 6 weeks I've been sicker then I've ever been in any pregnancy, I've been more tired then I've ever been in any pregnancy, I've been crankier then I've ever been in any pregnancy. I have really smooth, really beautiful easy breezy pregnancies so I figured that this was just going to be the one that wasn't as easy and chalked it all up to morning sickness and early pregnancy pains. My belly was growing and showing. I can't wear any of my normal clothes but still I felt in some sense I was hiding it well...maybe I just thought I was?! Or maybe people were being really nice and not asking?? I don't know.

I've been planning another home birth and found a wonderful midwife that I really feel fits my personality well. I chose to also go to an OB doctor for my bloodwork, sonogram and as a back up doctor in case my plans for a 4th home birth didn't pan out.

So that brings us to this week....Week 12....

It all started on Tuesday with an appointment with the nurse practioner. We went through all the routine stuff...weight, blood pressure, etc. and then it was time to get out the doppler and search for a fetal heartbeat. Well she heard nothing. I was obviously disheartend but this being my 8th pregnancy I know my body really well and on occasion (like with Aidan) I haven't heard the heartbeat until 13-14 weeks. (Weird, I know) So I walked away thinking it was much of the same and tried not to worry to much.

On Wednesday I had an appointment with the midwife. She came to my home, we talked for a long while, she did much of the same weight, blood pressure, etc. and then it was time to get out the doppler and search for a fetal heartbeat. Again, nothing. Again, I thought well this is typical didn't hear anything yesterday either.

About 2 hours later I had some concerning developments and after a telephone conversation with my midwife and a loving blessing from my husband I went to the Emergency Room to check things out. When I arrived it was much of the same weight, blood pressure, etc. exam, etc. blood tests, etc. and then after several hours they decided to do a sonogram.

As I was having the sonogram done the ultrasongrapher confirmed what I already knew deep down, there was no heartbeat. But wait...there was no baby. No baby?! Her words were, "I'm not gonna fib to you, I don't see a baby. I see "stuff" but I don't see a baby." My first thought was "Stuff." What's that mean?? But, I didn't ask. When she was done she returned me to my room to wait for the doctor. After TWO HOURS he finally came in to talk to me about what was going on. By then anything that was concerning to me (ie. the spotting) had completely subsided (and still has not returned.) I just didn't understand what in the heck my body was doing. Why was I so sick? What is this "stuff" inside my uterus?

The doctor explained to me that what I probably have is something called a molar pregnancy. I had never heard the term before but from my research the best way to explain it is a non-viable egg is fertilized and implants in the uterus the way a normal pregnancy would. However, as the cells that help an embryo attach to the uterus and help form the placenta multiply it becomes a slow-growing cyst like tumor. It only occurs in 1 in every 1,500 women in the United States....lucky me. Molar pregnancies can sometimes change into a type of cancer called choriocarcinoma or gestational trophoblastic tumor.

So I've been chewing on that diagnosis since about 1:30am Thursday Morning. As you know Ashy had her first day of school yesterday which meant we had to be up by 6am. I had long day yesterday, barely slept last night, and then I had to wake up at 6am again this morning for another first day. It's been kind of a weird couple of days. I've been super happy for my kids and trying to take in all of this information at the same time. I've gotten little sleep, have little appetite and yet I feel a peace surrounding me that is undescribable.

Jeremiah and I were able to meet with a doctor this morning and discuss what happens next. We've scheduled surgery for Tuesday morning to remove the mole and hopefully that will do the job. After surgery I will have to have my blood drawn weekly so that she can monitor my HCG levels (which at this point are soaring through the roof high). She'll monitor them until they've fallen to an undetectable level. However, she did say that the cells in a molar pregnancy are pretty agressive. Sometimes instead of the HcG levels going down to zero they will plateau or they might even peak as it starts developing again. If this were to happen then I will have to have chemotherapy to get rid of it all for once and for always.

That's a lot to take in.