The Birth of Camryn Part 2

I jumped out of bed as soon as the contraction passed and looked at the clock, 2:30am.    Was this happening?  Was this real?  Jeremiah sat up in bed as I turned on the bathroom light, "Do we need to get ready to go?" He asked.  I walked over to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for awhile.  "Yes."  

This was new for us...the getting up and going.  We weren't sure how soon was too soon but given that I generally birth very, very fast (45 minutes from first contraction to delivery with Liam to about 3 hours for the others) we decided to get moving as soon as I knew that I was in labor.  We called the midwife and let her know we were on our way.  

{{Side Track}}

With our first 3 children I had them at the hospital where I was induced (with 2 of them) for convenient reasons, given an epidural, and stayed in the hospital for a couple days after.  With my next 3 children I had the amazing experience of delivering naturally at home, without medication, with the help of a midwife. I was also able to have a water birth with Aidan which was pretty amazing.  My home birth experiences have been so wonderful that of course I assumed that any other children I have would be at home as well.  When I found out I was pregnant with Camryn it was just a couple months after my surgeries.  The Dr had warned against getting pregnant again before a year because of the damaged I received to my fallopian tube and ovary and even though there were precautions taken Heavenly father had other plans.   Obviously I wanted a home birth but with that scare I started seeing an OB while I tried to make my decision as to where I would give birth to this baby.  When we moved back, at around 22 weeks, I contacted the midwife who delivered Aidan thinking I would do another home birth.  However, one day I stumbled upon the name of a birth center that had recently opened up in the area just 15 minutes or so from our home.  I was interested in the concept of a birth center and decided to look into it.  After touring the birth center I felt at home and comfortable with the midwives and the facility.  I would still be with a midwife, I would still be able to birth my way-naturally with no intervention, and my insurance would pay for it.  (BIG PLUS! since I've paid for everyone of my home births 100% out of pocket) 

{{Back to the Story}}

I let my dad know that I was in labor and was leaving to go to the Birth Center.  He lives about 10-15 minutes away and would be coming over to help with the children while we were gone. Jeremiah woke Ashlynne up and let her know we were leaving and that grandpa would be there soon.  I had only had 2 contractions since I'd woken up and I told Jeremiah that I really wish that I had just one more before we left to know for sure that this was it.  I walked into Ashlynne's room to tell her good bye and another big contraction hit....that was my confirmation.  Out the door we went to the Birth Center.  We talked in the car, listened to music, and I breathed my way through several more contractions.  It was a short 20 minute drive and when we arrived we were greeted at the door by the midwife....it was a little surreal, I was going in waddling and I was going to be leaving here with a baby!! 

I walked around the waiting area for awhile as they readied the room for me.  I was 4cm dilated, almost completely effaced.  My contractions were 8-10 minutes apart and I was trying to move things along with the walking.  As soon as the room was ready we headed back and I changed into something other than sweats and a t-shirt....and then we waited.  Labor continued but I was surprised at how long and dragged out it seemed to be compared to my other labors.  I started second guessing myself.  Am I really in labor?  Is this going to end in another episode of painful braxton hicks that lead no where?  I've had 6 other children so this really wasn't something I was brand new at. I knew when it was labor. Why was I doubting myself?  Why hadn't my water broken?

Jeremiah and I sometime around 5am...waiting, waiting, laboring

We listened to a play list I had made on my iphone and I sang through my contractions, sometimes moaned through them despite the pain.  I danced with my husband.  We talked and smiled and then another contraction would come and he'd hold me and I'd hold him.  Our midwife was in and out of the room letting Jeremiah and I do our thing as I labored.  I appreciated the space to just do what I needed to do but I was starting to become anxious.  I thought I was doing pretty good and things were going well but I couldn't understand why I wasn't progressing. There was an exercise ball in the room and I decided to do some bouncing to see if it would help move things a long.  I bounced on the ball to help bring some more contractions. It worked to intensify the contractions and I really felt like it was doing some good...but the pain....yikes. I'm so used to labor being fast and furious that I never get to actually breathe and dwell on the pain too much.  This time was different.  

In labor...just after a contraction...I really tried to smile

It was nearly sunrise and I just couldn't understand why I wasn't done already. It's silly when you think about it considering some women labor for 30 hours but I'm just not one of those ladies.  I started to get into my head a lot, I started to create a mental block.

I just felt like the baby was floating there and like she wasn't doing anything to help the labor. I laid down for a bit, I felt the contractions but still didn't feel progress. I just wanted my water to break already, I was getting antsy. I stood up and walked around the bed during the next couple contractions. Jeremiah would hold my belly up and back to try and maybe correct the babies position a little and help make things progress. It helped to relieve some of the pain. I was trying everything I could think of, I felt like this was going to be a lot like Julianna...stuck at a 5, bulging waters but no progress because her head wasn't putting the pressure where it needed to be. I knew I needed the bag of waters to be broken. I knew from all of my other experiences that the minute my water broke the baby would come flying out of me. (Well maybe not flying....)  I tried to use this knowledge to help me and I sat on the toilet several times to try and push through a contraction to help break my water but nothing happened. I felt like I was pushing uphill or something. I squatted by the bed and tried to push through a contraction and still nothing.

I was feeling defeated and frustrated. I didn't know if I was making this happen, if it was in my head. I was so upset that this wasn't working out like before. I wanted to get in the water but the midwife thought it would stall my labor so I didn't. The more wait time, the more contractions, the more anxious and nervous and scared I got about the impending birth. It was going to hurt, a lot. It already hurt a lot. I shut down. I was done. I didn't want to go on anymore. I wanted to go home. I couldn't do this. My midwife checked me and said that I was "almost there." She tried to get me to push just a little (even though I wasn't feeling push-y). She told me that I was right there and if I just pushed we could have the baby there in no time.  She was trying so hard to be encouraging and I just couldn't pull myself out of my own head to make it happen.  I was lying on my back. I half-heartedly tried 3 pushes and I couldn't do it. Nothing was happening and I was sort of scared for anything to happen because I didn't want to go through the pain of delivery. I was so tired. I was sad. I was scared. I was anxious. I was frustrated. I sat on the toilet crying and cussing and just so done with the whole process. Why wasn't my baby here? What was going on? If I could just get my water to break...if my water would just break. I wanted to go home so badly. I just wanted to be done. If I wanted that so badly why couldn't I make it happen? Why??? I was just so done. Jeremiah was trying so hard to talk me through it, to help me out of the funk I'd gotten myself into.  He asked what I wanted to do and the only answer I could muster up was, "I want to go home, I don't want to do this anymore." 

I was obviously tired and broken.  My midwife suggested that I lay down for a bit and get some rest. I gladly accepted her offer, hoping and praying that sleep would come and I could avoid this whole birth thing.

...to be continued...