Processing the Birth Experience

Camryn Aurora - 5 Days Old

I'm still struggling with aspects of Camryn's birth. I've been thinking about it the last two weeks trying to process what happened and why. I feel like I somehow messed up and somehow I failed. It's been scary to write it all out and to open myself up to all those feelings. To bare myself completely. I realize though that writing it all down certainly has helped quite a bit even if I am still having feelings of inadequacy.

I've had the chance to talk to a few people about the experience and just when I start to feel good about it the doubt and the sadness comes creeping back. Looking back I honestly think that had my water just broken earlier I never would've had time to go on mental lock down. I guess you can argue that it is what it is and I shouldn't dwell on it because Camryn is here now and that's all that matters but i still feel sad that it wasn't what I had planned. It wasn't the beautiful birth story I had envisioned.

Since I had Camryn I've had the opportunity to see the postpartum nurse a couple of times but not the midwife. I honestly have no idea what the urgency was after I delivered the baby. The only thing i can gather was that I was bleeding out quite a bit, hemorrhaging maybe? When I researched why you would have to have a pitocin shot after giving birth everything basically pointed to a hemorrhage so I assume that's what happened. I haven't yet had the opportunity to ask.

As for right now i can definitely say that I'm super grateful that Camryn is here and that I'm no longer pregnant. I'll continue to deal with the other emotions as they come.