3 years....

3 years ago today I lost my very best friend, my mommy, to cancer. I miss her every single day. Every. Single. Day. I wish she was still here to talk to, to offer advice, to see my family grow, but I know I will see her again someday and I take comfort in that. I love you mommy. ♥

I just really miss my mom...

Mother's day is fast approaching and I've been trying to make believe it's not breaking my heart that my mother is no longer here. Everywhere I turn there are signs, ads, flowers, and a constant reminder, DON'T FORGET TO TELL YOUR MOM HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER! I want to shout "I CAN'T TELL HER! SHE'S GONE!!" but that really wouldn't accomplish anything aside from a few weird glances and me running away in frustrated tears.

Yesterday I was walking in Walmart and I noticed the aisle of Mother's Day cards, my eyes zoned in on one in particular that said "FROM DAUGHTER TO MOTHER" and I felt my face get hot...you know that hot feeling when tears are fighting to stream down your face and you hold them back so much that your eyes get all cloudy and steamy...yes, that kind of hot. I miss my mother so much. My faith tells me that I will see her again. That I will talk with her again and that I will one day be able to tell her how much I love her face to face. Just not now and not here on this earth. My faith tells me it's true and yet there are days that I wonder, what if? What if I'll never see her again? What if the last time I saw her was THE last time I saw her??

This will be my third Mother's Day without her and yet her death is still so fresh. I just miss her so much. I miss her laugh, I miss her silliness, I miss her personality, I miss her yelling at me to drive with both hands on the wheel, I miss the smell of her perfume, I miss her voice, I miss her wisdom, I miss her faith, I miss her loud, opinionated ways, I just plain miss my mom. I sometimes hate it when people talk about "Oh my mom this and my mom that and blah blah, mom, mom, mom..." It makes me so dang angry and jealous. I hate that she is gone. I hate that I can't be with her. I hate that I can't talk to her. I hate that when I have a question only a mother can answer I have no one to turn to. I hate that my daughter is getting older and I have to figure it all out by myself without a mother to give me advice (even though I would probably be so annoyed with her for telling me what to do...lol)

I never realized it would still be so hard 2 1/2 years later. I somehow thought I would be over this part. I just want her back.

Cancer sucks. Cancer ruins lives. Cancer steals loved ones from you. She was too young to die...she had so much to live for. She had grandchildren that she had to watch grow up. She had places to travel to and so many things to see. She had so much here to live for....She had me! Dang it she had ME!!! I needed her! I know she didnt choose to die, I mean who CHOOSES to have Cancer? I know that she wanted more then anything to live, but I guess it just wasn't Heavenly Father's plan for her. Some days I can accept it, other days I just hate the whole freaking situation and I want to scream and scream and scream....as if that would bring her back somehow.

I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. I just miss my mom and with just a few more days till Mother's Day and a couple of weeks from her birthday I'm just feeling the loss so strongly right now.

Mommy,
Thank you for everything you taught me. Thank you for being a good example to me even when times were tough. Thank you for always teaching me about the power of prayer...I remember so many times running to tell you something and finding you on your knees deep in prayer to the Lord. Thank you for being my mother. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for giving me life.

Love,
Your sugar plum-plum

Day 6: 2 Years Ago

30 Day Blog Challenge

A Photo of you 2 years ago

my grandmother & I, outside my mother's funeral

I really don't want to revisit January, two years ago. *sigh*

On January 22, 2009, I lost my best friend. My mother. She was the most amazing, loving, selfless, outgoing, funny, loud, crafty, smart, friendly, and kind person I have ever known. After a two year battle with cancer she passed away at home surrounded by her children, husband, mother and sister. Cancer sucks. I know I shouldn't say "sucks" but it's actually the nicest word I could muster up. Cancer stole my mother from me, from my dad...her eternal companion of 46 years...from her grandchildren...

Before she passed we spent a wonderful Thanksgiving together, a lovely Christmas, a Happy New Year 2009, and then my parents got on a plane and flew home. 20 days later she left this mortal life. The only thing she hoped for was to spend the holiday with us and her every wish was fulfilled. The Lord is good.

2 years seems like an eternity since I've seen her. 2 years feels like she just left my side. 2 years has only slightly numbed the pain and closed the wound. Oh how my heart aches for my mommy. I miss her on important days, holidays, and birthdays. I miss her when I want to complain about how hard being a mom and wife is. I miss her when I want to share how fulfilling it can be. Sometimes I pick up the phone to call her and tell her something funny and I remember. 2 years hasn't been long enough.

The last phone message she left me just 2 weeks before she passed away went like this: "You know, you have 5 kids and right now it's hard but as they grow they'll settle down and you will see, it will be a pleasure, it will really be a pleasure. I love you. I want you to know I love you...."

Those words have become my motto, my personal theme when days get rough....IT WILL BE A PLEASURE.

So I know this is supposed to be a photo of me 2 years ago {see above} but I couldn't close this post without leaving a couple more photos.

Late night chats...

Last night I got to hang out with my mom. We went to a block party of sorts, there was gorgeous red Chinese paper lanterns hanging above our heads, people laughing, children running...it was a good time. We left together--chatting as we walked--and proceeded over to her home. A big box was left there for us by my aunt. We brought it inside, opened it and found hair products! There were sprays, gels, shampoos, brushes, and Pantene Smoothing Serum. I made a mental note, "I need to use that smoothing serum."

Then I woke up.

And just like that my mom was gone again and I felt empty. My heart began to sink in the reality that for now there will be no more real "chats" with my mother, my best friend. But I felt her whisper just the same "I will always be there..."

And as I brushed Ashlynne's hair this morning getting her ready for school I thought...dang I wish I had that smoothing serum.

I Stand all Amazed....

My brother emailed me this photo today...it's pretty self explanatory but isn't it amazing?? Look at how the light is streaming down...wow...



One more thing...you can read about my mother in Utah County's Daily Herald here, if you so choose. Thank you for all the LOVE and support.

I HEART YOU!

My Heart...(about the passing of my mommy)

There are so many things I want to blog about....so many things I want to express....so many cool projects that I got to accomplish while I was away from the computer. Unfortunately, at this time the one thing that weighs heavy on my mind and in my heart is the passing of my mother.

In the early morning hours of January 22, 2009, my mother, Aida Pena, passed away at home surrounded by her family after a long and hard fought battle with cancer.

I am still processing the whole experience, so I don't have the words to say...the tears to cry...but my heart is still beating.

I can't begin to explain what I saw, what I felt, how she passed, how we all pulled together, how I'm certain there were angels administering to us in the hours leading up to and following her death. How angels are still here...lifting, helping, calming, holding, comforting, reminding us that she is in a far better place free from pain and anguish.

Tonight there is peace in my heart but also a longing to have her back for just a minute to talk to, to tell her how much she was loved and the effect that she had on people...she didn't even really know.

After the funeral this morning (where I nearly fainted after singing a song as a tribute to my mother) I felt full of the Savior's love for us. I know she heard my song...I know she was there lifting me up and helping me continue...I know...

Today my heart is damaged, broken, beating, full, in his hands...but my heart will go on...soon enough...

"As the father hath loved me, so have I loved you; continue ye in my love." John 15:9

The Best Things About Christmas Morning...

...the look on their faces...







...and ours...



...at that my mother was able to share it with us...

46 Years...

Today my wonderful parents have been married 46 years! 46 years...holy cow! I literally just realized they had been married 20 years before they had me! I am so incredibly grateful for the wonderful example they have been to me throughout my life. I am grateful for the love they have shown each of their children and the love that they have shown each other through good times and bad. I know that because of their good example my marriage is stronger. Thanks, mom and dad...and Happy Anniversary!

In other more exciting non-health related news.....

Last Friday I got a little crafty...



Ashlynne had a piano recital. Her first recital with her new teacher, Marie, here in Kansas. She adores her teacher and is learning soooo much.



Liam is standing up...actually he has been doing it for several weeks (he started a couple days after he began crawling) but for some reason I hadn't gotten a picture of it yet.


My mommy is here visiting for the next month!! (So is my daddy...)


My inlaws, Jeremiah's mom and step-dad, are here for Thanksgiving....


Julianna is ADORABLE.


Elise and I did an impromtu silly face photo session! (hence the wild hair and Elise's interesting clothing selection...gotta love dress-ups)


Brinton got brand new shoes!


and lastly, Jeremiah thinks he is really HOT!