Sibling Rivalry

One Month...

**I've had this post written since September 25th (the day Camryn tunred one month) but our computer quit working for a bit and this post just had to stay in drafts till I got it fixed.**

Camryn Aurora, aka: The Little Princess, turned one month old last Tuesday! At her one month appointment she weighed 9lbs, 8ozs and was 22.5 inches long.

The last month has been crazy/wonderful. It's been a little crazy trying to adjust to Camryn's schedule and trying to keep up with the rest of the family schedule. It's been wonderful to have her here as part of our family and to learn and grow as a mom.

The first week went really great because Jeremiah was off work and took care of everything including making lunches, school drop offs, dr appointments, baths, diapers, bedtime, everything! After a week doing my "job" he said he couldn't wait to get back to his. It's kind of nice to know he realizes that I don't sit around watching tv and eating ice cream all day.

Since then it's been a little bit of a crazy roller coaster. Some days I'm totally on top of things and some days I'm barely hanging on. Jeremiah is back in grad school with classes on Monday and Tuesday evenings meaning he leaves at 7am for work and doesn't get home until 10 at night. He's also still teaching at ITT Tech on Wednesday evenings so on those days he doesn't get home until 11:30ish. So basically I'm doing it alone 3 days a week.

Between 3 different school drop offs, Ashlynne's cheer schedule and play practice, Brinton's Cello lessons and near weekly doctor appointments, Elise's activity nights, Julianna's girl scouts and dance class, Liam and Aidan's antics and nursing a baby on demand, I pretty much pour myself into bed every night exhausted from the day. Did I mention Camryn is a gassy, colicky, fussy baby for about 2-3 hrs each night?? Fun times.

I will say though that even though she is colicky I feel pretty lucky because Camryn is a fantastic night sleeper. She eats around 10pm and then sleeps until 4:30am, she eats again and then falls back asleep until about 7:30! It allows me to get a nice chunk of sleep each night. hallelujah!

With all that the chaos of family life I can honestly say the last month has been sort of a blur. I'm super grateful for the time I have in the mornings while Liam is at preschool to cuddle and enjoy Camryn. Well, that is when I'm not trying to keep Aidan from smothering her or laying on top of her or hitting her with a duplo Lego or trying to pick her up or trying to bite her toes or poke her eyes or whack her on the head or take off her clothes or.......yeah Aidan LOVES Camryn (half to death). All in all it really has been a fun month and I'm just totally in love with my little princess. You know what? Even though some days are long and insane and I'm somewhat sleep deprived (more from going, going all day). Even if I get annoyed and sometimes even angry and I just wish I could go to the bathroom by myself. Even when I feel like I've spent more time in my car than at home. Even when I wish bedtime would come faster (and it's still only 4pm). I love my family and I enjoy my crazy life. (most days) Bring on the next month!

Should've Stayed in my Pajamas!!

The last couple days I've stayed in my pajamas for far to long so I decided to make sure I got dressed nice today. I remember reading once somewhere that just because you are a stay at home mom doesn't mean you shouldn't get dressed for your job every day and for goodness sakes, wear shoes! I bought some brand new jeans at Old Navy on the clearance rack the other day for 97 cents (total score) and I paired them with my very favorite green cardigan.




I was feeling pretty awesome about myself until...




....yes that's what you think it is. It kind of smells like popcorn. 

*I looked at the photo and what did I see?! Popcorn poopy up and down my jeans!*. (haha I crack myself up!)

OH and just so you know it was also all over the couch, one of the decorative pillows, and Camryn's pjs.
OH annnnnd at the same time this was happening Aidan decided to undress and take off HIS poopy diaper and run around the house.  Fun times at my house this morning.

Maybe that's a good case for staying in my pajamas all day?!

Processing the Birth Experience

Camryn Aurora - 5 Days Old

I'm still struggling with aspects of Camryn's birth. I've been thinking about it the last two weeks trying to process what happened and why. I feel like I somehow messed up and somehow I failed. It's been scary to write it all out and to open myself up to all those feelings. To bare myself completely. I realize though that writing it all down certainly has helped quite a bit even if I am still having feelings of inadequacy.

I've had the chance to talk to a few people about the experience and just when I start to feel good about it the doubt and the sadness comes creeping back. Looking back I honestly think that had my water just broken earlier I never would've had time to go on mental lock down. I guess you can argue that it is what it is and I shouldn't dwell on it because Camryn is here now and that's all that matters but i still feel sad that it wasn't what I had planned. It wasn't the beautiful birth story I had envisioned.

Since I had Camryn I've had the opportunity to see the postpartum nurse a couple of times but not the midwife. I honestly have no idea what the urgency was after I delivered the baby. The only thing i can gather was that I was bleeding out quite a bit, hemorrhaging maybe? When I researched why you would have to have a pitocin shot after giving birth everything basically pointed to a hemorrhage so I assume that's what happened. I haven't yet had the opportunity to ask.

As for right now i can definitely say that I'm super grateful that Camryn is here and that I'm no longer pregnant. I'll continue to deal with the other emotions as they come.

The Birth of Camryn: Part 3

I don't know how long I laid there for. 20 minutes? An hour? I felt like I slept, like I actually got some good rest despite the fact that I was already at a 10 and probably should've been pushing. I remember I had three good contractions laying there. I moaned through them, rocked my body, held my body tensely and I would squeeze my legs together as hard as I could through each one.  As the contraction passed I would fall back into my restful state. I could feel that the end was close but by that point I had decided I wasn't having the baby, I wasn't going to do this anymore and I was literally holding my baby back from being born. Im not sure how I did it but I must be pretty strong willed.

My midwife who had been attending to me came in with an older more experienced midwife.  Throughout my pregnancy I had seen all 4 midwives at the office so I knew each of them well and she was at the top of my list.  I needed someone to take charge because there was no way I was going to do this on my own.  My poor, sweet husband had exhausted all efforts and he was right beside me but I could tell he too was weary.  He continued to stay strong for me but he knew there wasn't much more he could say or do for me at that point.  The new midwife took charge right away and decided she was going to check me....again.  (Side note: Omgosh with the checking....Ive never been checked so much!!) My first midwife told her that my  membranes hadn't ruptured yet. I was lying on my side and midwife #2 asked me to hold my leg up while she checked me but I'm pretty sure I refused. This is where things get really fuzzy and blurry.  I don't know if #1  held my leg or if #2 did it or if I was actually holding it up even though I had refused....I don't think it really matters really but the next thing I know is that while she is checking me for dilation, knowing full well I'm at 10 and have been for awhile, my water broke.  I remember that it was so painful and then pop my water broke and I had a massively painful contraction.

I began to cry, I was throwing a tantrum really and midwife #2 was asking what was wrong. She wanted to know if there was something she could help me work through because at that point I was basically refusing to have the baby. I explained that I was just scared, I didn't need to work through anything. I felt like an idiot because as a woman who had done this 6 times I couldn't understand for the life of me why I couldn't just have this baby. Why was I so damn scared??? I was screaming No! NO! Im not ready, Im not ready! It was the most terrifying, most insane moment of my life.  In my head I'm thinking WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?  SHUT UP!  YOU CAN DO THIS!  But my mouth was screaming I CAN'T DO THIS! I'M NOT READY!!! 

At some point during all of that they were getting the tub ready for me and I could hear it running in the background. At that point I wanted nothing more than to get in that tub and see if maybe the water could help me relax. During the next painful contraction I could feel the baby descending and I knew she wanted out. I knew my body was pushing but I was squeezing as tight as I could, willing myself not to push because I wanted to get to the tub before I had her. I don't know why but I had become fixated on the sound of the water running and I NEEDED to get in that tub.

When the contraction subsided Jeremiah helped me stand up and walk to the tub. Miah on one side and I think midwfie #2 on the other. Midwife #1 was already near the tub waiting for me...I think. Was the nurse there by the tub, too? I don't know.  It's amazing to me how fuzzy this part was...how many holes there are in my memory only a couple days after I had her.  I lifted my leg to step into the bath tub and I immediately felt the warm water around my foot, I lifted my second leg in and tried to sit down.  I was paralyzed, as I was standing there halfway between standing and lowering myself into the tub the baby came ripping through me, ripping out of me. I tried to fight it but I was pushing and screaming. It was so immediate when I stepped my foot in the tub that Jeremiah didn't realize I was pushing. He was still trying to help me sit down in the tub when he realized she was actually right there, coming out. I stayed standing. I'm not sure who I was holding on to or who was holding on to me. I know Jeremiah must've been one of them but in that moment I was oblivious to anything but the baby. I pushed...at least I think I pushed...and I screamed and I screamed and I wondered if she was out yet. Had I delivered her head and shoulders yet? Was she still crowning? I dont remember the pushing as much as I remember the screaming. 

It seemed like it all happened in less then a minute and then....she was there.

Somehow I sat down in the water or someone sat me down right as soon as I had her. I was handed my baby. I don't know who gave her to me.  Midwife #1?  I'm pretty sure she was the one that caught the baby. I was sitting in the water, holding my new baby. She was crying, I was crying. It was so fuzzy.  Was she a girl?  I checked.  Yep.  Was she alright? Yep. All I could say was "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Because I was so sorry I had tried to hold her in and keep her from coming. I felt horrible.  I felt amazed.  I felt relieved.  I tried to keep her warm in the water as best I could while the midwives all fussed around me. I always wait for the cord to stop pulsating before I let them cut it.  I guess her cord must have stopped because they got it ready, clamped it and Jeremiah cut it. In my head it seemed so soon for the cord to have stopped pulsating but I really have no sense of time for anything that happened from the time my water broke to when I had her or anything after. I know she was born at 9:25am.

Jeremiah was sitting on the edge of the tub and he was teary eyed and crying. He seemed so happy. I, however, was feeling like I was having an out of body expereince, like I was just watching everything that was going on around me.  Generally, after I give birth I enjoy just holding my baby and "relaxing" until my body says it's time to deliver the placenta. Sometimes I nurse during this time, sometimes I don't. I remember sitting there holding her...It was like a dream....then I remember the water turning red. Blood slowly crawled across the water. I kind of felt like I was in a horror movie. It all seems like such a blur to me. I was there, it was happening to me but yet my memory seems as if I was just a spectator. I have no idea when they took the baby away. I know they gave her to Jeremiah but I don't remember giving her to him. Where did he go with her? Midwife #2 told me I needed to stand up and get out of the tub. I felt really weak and so, so tired. I tried to tell her to wait and give me a second because I didn't feel like I could get up but she didn't let me. In my minds eye she basically yanked me from the tub and made me go over to the bed. I vaguely remember it. I was standing next to the bed in my wet gown and they decided to have me take it off cause I was dripping wet. I laid down on the bed and someone was massaging my belly and kind of tugging on my cord to help deliver the placenta. They did this in hospital births but I never did this in home birth. I always delivered it when my body was ready. I kind of felt like something was wrong but I had no voice, I felt like I was on a cloud, so I just laid there. I was given a shot of pitocin and I was told I'd feel a pinch. I guess I agreed but I don't remember the "pinch,"  I didn't feel a thing.  I was floating...floating...and people were all around but I don't know where my baby was.

I honestly don't remember when or how I got into bed properly (because before that i was laying sideways) or when I was given the baby back. Jeremiah had been holding her the whole time, standing right next to the bed but I was never aware. I know when I finally had her back in my arms I just wanted to nurse her and she was so uninterested. She was crying a lot and I joked that it was because she was mad at me for trying to hold her in. I felt like a failure.  Even though I had just given birth I felt like I somehow messed up by holding her back. I don't know when but after sometime the midwives left assuring me that I did nothing wrong and I did a great job. We didn't weigh her or check her length they just wanted me to have some time with her. Then they were all gone and we were left alone.  My head felt more clear and I had this overwhelming feeling that a crisis had been averted.  I closed my eyes and said a quiet prayer and thanked God for my precious baby and that everything had turned out well.  


Jeremiah held me as I held and nursed our new little princess. The only pictures I have with her are of me nursing her...so I'll save those for myself.   Together both midwives brought me the most amazing blue berry pancakes and a strawberry banana smoothie. Along with my gourmet breakfast, my midwives and my sweet nurse  brought an amazing peach cobbler "BIRTHday" cake and they sang me Happy BIRTHday. It was so touching.

The Birth of Camryn Part 2

I jumped out of bed as soon as the contraction passed and looked at the clock, 2:30am.    Was this happening?  Was this real?  Jeremiah sat up in bed as I turned on the bathroom light, "Do we need to get ready to go?" He asked.  I walked over to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for awhile.  "Yes."  

This was new for us...the getting up and going.  We weren't sure how soon was too soon but given that I generally birth very, very fast (45 minutes from first contraction to delivery with Liam to about 3 hours for the others) we decided to get moving as soon as I knew that I was in labor.  We called the midwife and let her know we were on our way.  

{{Side Track}}

With our first 3 children I had them at the hospital where I was induced (with 2 of them) for convenient reasons, given an epidural, and stayed in the hospital for a couple days after.  With my next 3 children I had the amazing experience of delivering naturally at home, without medication, with the help of a midwife. I was also able to have a water birth with Aidan which was pretty amazing.  My home birth experiences have been so wonderful that of course I assumed that any other children I have would be at home as well.  When I found out I was pregnant with Camryn it was just a couple months after my surgeries.  The Dr had warned against getting pregnant again before a year because of the damaged I received to my fallopian tube and ovary and even though there were precautions taken Heavenly father had other plans.   Obviously I wanted a home birth but with that scare I started seeing an OB while I tried to make my decision as to where I would give birth to this baby.  When we moved back, at around 22 weeks, I contacted the midwife who delivered Aidan thinking I would do another home birth.  However, one day I stumbled upon the name of a birth center that had recently opened up in the area just 15 minutes or so from our home.  I was interested in the concept of a birth center and decided to look into it.  After touring the birth center I felt at home and comfortable with the midwives and the facility.  I would still be with a midwife, I would still be able to birth my way-naturally with no intervention, and my insurance would pay for it.  (BIG PLUS! since I've paid for everyone of my home births 100% out of pocket) 

{{Back to the Story}}

I let my dad know that I was in labor and was leaving to go to the Birth Center.  He lives about 10-15 minutes away and would be coming over to help with the children while we were gone. Jeremiah woke Ashlynne up and let her know we were leaving and that grandpa would be there soon.  I had only had 2 contractions since I'd woken up and I told Jeremiah that I really wish that I had just one more before we left to know for sure that this was it.  I walked into Ashlynne's room to tell her good bye and another big contraction hit....that was my confirmation.  Out the door we went to the Birth Center.  We talked in the car, listened to music, and I breathed my way through several more contractions.  It was a short 20 minute drive and when we arrived we were greeted at the door by the midwife....it was a little surreal, I was going in waddling and I was going to be leaving here with a baby!! 

I walked around the waiting area for awhile as they readied the room for me.  I was 4cm dilated, almost completely effaced.  My contractions were 8-10 minutes apart and I was trying to move things along with the walking.  As soon as the room was ready we headed back and I changed into something other than sweats and a t-shirt....and then we waited.  Labor continued but I was surprised at how long and dragged out it seemed to be compared to my other labors.  I started second guessing myself.  Am I really in labor?  Is this going to end in another episode of painful braxton hicks that lead no where?  I've had 6 other children so this really wasn't something I was brand new at. I knew when it was labor. Why was I doubting myself?  Why hadn't my water broken?

Jeremiah and I sometime around 5am...waiting, waiting, laboring

We listened to a play list I had made on my iphone and I sang through my contractions, sometimes moaned through them despite the pain.  I danced with my husband.  We talked and smiled and then another contraction would come and he'd hold me and I'd hold him.  Our midwife was in and out of the room letting Jeremiah and I do our thing as I labored.  I appreciated the space to just do what I needed to do but I was starting to become anxious.  I thought I was doing pretty good and things were going well but I couldn't understand why I wasn't progressing. There was an exercise ball in the room and I decided to do some bouncing to see if it would help move things a long.  I bounced on the ball to help bring some more contractions. It worked to intensify the contractions and I really felt like it was doing some good...but the pain....yikes. I'm so used to labor being fast and furious that I never get to actually breathe and dwell on the pain too much.  This time was different.  

In labor...just after a contraction...I really tried to smile

It was nearly sunrise and I just couldn't understand why I wasn't done already. It's silly when you think about it considering some women labor for 30 hours but I'm just not one of those ladies.  I started to get into my head a lot, I started to create a mental block.

I just felt like the baby was floating there and like she wasn't doing anything to help the labor. I laid down for a bit, I felt the contractions but still didn't feel progress. I just wanted my water to break already, I was getting antsy. I stood up and walked around the bed during the next couple contractions. Jeremiah would hold my belly up and back to try and maybe correct the babies position a little and help make things progress. It helped to relieve some of the pain. I was trying everything I could think of, I felt like this was going to be a lot like Julianna...stuck at a 5, bulging waters but no progress because her head wasn't putting the pressure where it needed to be. I knew I needed the bag of waters to be broken. I knew from all of my other experiences that the minute my water broke the baby would come flying out of me. (Well maybe not flying....)  I tried to use this knowledge to help me and I sat on the toilet several times to try and push through a contraction to help break my water but nothing happened. I felt like I was pushing uphill or something. I squatted by the bed and tried to push through a contraction and still nothing.

I was feeling defeated and frustrated. I didn't know if I was making this happen, if it was in my head. I was so upset that this wasn't working out like before. I wanted to get in the water but the midwife thought it would stall my labor so I didn't. The more wait time, the more contractions, the more anxious and nervous and scared I got about the impending birth. It was going to hurt, a lot. It already hurt a lot. I shut down. I was done. I didn't want to go on anymore. I wanted to go home. I couldn't do this. My midwife checked me and said that I was "almost there." She tried to get me to push just a little (even though I wasn't feeling push-y). She told me that I was right there and if I just pushed we could have the baby there in no time.  She was trying so hard to be encouraging and I just couldn't pull myself out of my own head to make it happen.  I was lying on my back. I half-heartedly tried 3 pushes and I couldn't do it. Nothing was happening and I was sort of scared for anything to happen because I didn't want to go through the pain of delivery. I was so tired. I was sad. I was scared. I was anxious. I was frustrated. I sat on the toilet crying and cussing and just so done with the whole process. Why wasn't my baby here? What was going on? If I could just get my water to break...if my water would just break. I wanted to go home so badly. I just wanted to be done. If I wanted that so badly why couldn't I make it happen? Why??? I was just so done. Jeremiah was trying so hard to talk me through it, to help me out of the funk I'd gotten myself into.  He asked what I wanted to do and the only answer I could muster up was, "I want to go home, I don't want to do this anymore." 

I was obviously tired and broken.  My midwife suggested that I lay down for a bit and get some rest. I gladly accepted her offer, hoping and praying that sleep would come and I could avoid this whole birth thing.

...to be continued...

The Birth of Camryn, Part I...

It was just a week ago Friday morning, 9 days over due. That morning when I woke up I felt like I'd been hit by a train. I ached all over, I couldn't walk without my legs feeling like they were on fire. I sat down on the couch and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I just felt like I was dragging all day long. Jeremiah and I met for lunch at a little sushi place and I could barely get down my miso soup and four small pieces of California roll. I kept thinking that maybe my body was gearing up for something but I didn't want to get my hopes up.

Later that evening I took Ashlynne to Walmart to pick up a gift card for a friend. Walking from the parking lot into the store was torture. I had to stop every few steps because my legs would lock from the pain and pressure of the baby being so low. No contractions just lots and lots of discomfort. I remember telling myself if I could just make it to the gift cards by the register I'd be ok. When we got there I realized we needed a card, now I had to convince myself to make it to the greeting card area and back to the register. I walked a few steps and stopped, walked a few more steps and stopped. It was so difficult to walk properly without the discomfort. Was this it? Was my water gonna break at Walmart? Was I going into labor? We got the birthday card and I decided we needed one more thing from the grocery area but as I walked halfway passed the clothes I realized there was no way I was going to make it to the grocery section. It just hurt so much to walk. Really I just needed to get out of there and get home.

Jeremiah was scheduled to substitute that evening until 10:30pm and was about an hour from home. I texted him to let him know how I was feeling but told him not to rush home just yet. When i arrived at home I still felt uncomfortable and out of sorts. I walked up the path to my house and stopped twice because of the pressure. I decided to sit down and relax for a bit then I took a warm shower. The shower helped ease the pain but maybe a little too much because soon I felt relaxed and then it was all over. I thought to myself, Great another false alarm good thing I didn't make Miah come home.

I waited up for him to come home and decided to do some walking around my house. I power walked in circles for about an hour. Liam walked with me and kept singing "we're running the baby out, we're running the baby out!" I didn't feel like I was making any progress and whatever pain I had been in just a few hours before was still not coming back. When Jeremiah came home I decided to just get some sleep....if it was going to happen then it would, if not then I'd still be pregnant in the morning.

I closed my eyes and began to dream that I was in labor. Waves of contractions came over me and I moaned through the pain. All of sudden a forceful contraction woke me up straight out of bed. Had i really been dreaming? It was 2:30 in the morning and I realized that this was it, this was real. I was going to meet my baby today.

Me at 41 weeks just 2 days before I went into labor...

Baby Girl's Name....

I've gotten a ton of questions about our new little one's name and I thought I'd take a quick minute to tell you all about it.

All of our children, with the exception of our oldest Ashlynne, is named after someone in our family. Brinton after his great grandpa, Elise after my aunt, Julianna Kate after two of her great grandmothers, Liam (William) after my brother and uncle, and Aidan is named after my mother, Aida. It's important to us that our children have a strong name that they can look up to. We also choose to name them family names to honor those people who have had such a huge impact in our lives. Our new little one was no exception....

When we were waiting to find out the babies sex we made a whole list of names we loved. Most of these were male names and of the handful of female names nothing really stuck. The boy name we considered most strongly was Cameron Xavier after my husbands grandpa and my dad. When we found out out baby was going to be a girl Jeremiah wondered why we couldn't just name our daughter Cameron but change the spelling a bit to look more feminine. As soon as he said it I had this huge overwhelming feeling that it was exactly what we should do.

As for her middle name.... There is kind of a funny story that goes with that. My very most favorite person in the entire universe is my grandma Lucy. She is the most amazing woman ever and I have always wanted to name one of my daughters Luz or Lucy after her. HOWEVER, when I married I became a BOWLES. Thats Bowles like soup bowls or salad bowls or cereal bowls or ice cream bowls NOT BOWELS as in BM...you know, poo. Sadly, some people can't read and they constantly mistake my last name for feces. So.now just imagine if I was to name my daughter Luz or Lucy?! She would be Luz Bowles or if you can't read she would be LUZ BOWELS. My kid would be LOOSE BOWELS!!!! I couldn't do that to her.

Sooooooo....grandma's middle name is Aurora and much safer with our last name then Lucy.

So there you have it....our princess little miss Camryn Aurora.

I'd like to introduce....

Our beautiful little Camryn Aurora
Born on August 25th at 9:25am
Weighing 8 pounds, 12 ounces and measuring 19 inches long.

Her birth story was a bit intense so I will write it up and post as soon as I've had time to really process it.

Thank you for all your love, support and well wishes.