The Clock is Ticking...

So as many of you already know Brinton, my 10 year old son, is having a pretty major surgery on Friday and its weighing a little heavy on my mind right now. Actually, can I be frank with you? I get physically ill every time I think about it. My stomach gets all tied in knots and I feel like vomiting.

My heart hurts. It's so hard to find the words but I need to try because I can't keep burying my feelings and hiding from my fears. It's just so difficult to explain without sounding like I'm a whiny baby but I feel like the clock is ticking, like every hour is closer and closer to surgery time. Like every minute ticks closer to a new life. Like I'm running out of time.

I'm not trying to be overdramatic but this surgery is going to be pretty life changing for Brinton and for our family. He is going to be stuck in that stupid Halo for 3 months! Not to mention he will be trying to heal at the surgery site in his neck where they are doing the fusion and in his hip where they are taking the bone from, while wearing that stupid halo!! He'll have to learn how to function without being able to turn his head from side to side or up and down. He won't be able to sleep in his warm comfy bed because it's upstairs and on a top bunk that he cant get to with that stupid halo on his head. Aaarghhh! I just hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

My first instinct is to put on the strong, believing, woman of faith face and write a blog post about how wonderful everything is and how wonderful I am. It would be a lie though.

My next thought is to just write nothing, not acknowledge my feelings at all and still make everybody think that I'm wonder woman and I've got it all together. That would be a lie, too.

A more appropriate blog post would be an honest one. The kind where I tell you I'm a nervous wreck, I haven't had an appetite in over a week, I cry myself to sleep at night and I feel completely alone. I can't believe I'm about to put my son through this. What if something... No, I can't even go down that road right now.

And what about my sweet, sweet little boy? How is he doing with this? Why is he having to go through all of this at such a young age? This is his 8th surgery for goodness sakes!! When will it be enough?! When will the Lord finally say he's been through enough?

I'm terrified of the unknown. I'm annoyed because people assume they know but they don't really understand the enormity of the situation. This isn't just some quick in and out thing. Ug. Maybe I'm rambling.

I know I need to be strong but lately I feel like my emotions are on the surface and I'm about ready to boil over. I'm really hoping to find some strength at church tomorrow, right now I could use it.