Warning: this is going to be a really whiny post so feel free to skip it. It's more for me then anyone else...I just need to vent. You've been warned.
Thursday I saw the midwife. I was 4cm dilated, easily stretched to 5cm, 90-100% effaced, "paper thin" and basically aside from having contractions I was ready to go. She stripped my membranes to see if that would get things going. It didn't.
I've been here so many times. I don't know why my body chooses to dilate over such a long long time and then all of a sudden when I'm in labor I only have 45 min -2 hours before they are born! It sounds kind of nice but it's really intense and I just never know when it's going to happen.
Any other woman would already be holding their baby but I walk around super dilated and fully effaced for weeks. It's not fair. Im trying to have a really good attitude about it and just go about my day as if everything is normal. No sense on spoiling a good day by staying in doors just waiting, right? But at night I stay awake all night tossing and turning, uncomfortable and wondering when the contractions will start or if my water will break this time. I waddle to the rest room several times a night, I waddle downstairs for large glasses of water and the whole time I feel 100% normal. Just pregnant Alida who still has a long time to go. I don't want a long time to go!
Im trying so hard not to be whiny because obviously I've had 6 children and I already know how this works but I am so ready to just have my family complete. Everything is ready. Everyone is ready. Even Liam talks to my belly and says "Come out Baby!!"The girls talk about "if you have the baby today..." or "do you think she is coming today...". It's so sad that I just can't say YES! For them and for me.
This is the part where natural childbirth is hard. Letting your body do its own thing at its own time and letting baby dictate when she is ready. Seeing all my friends that are due around the same time having inductions and holding their babies is torture some days. Weird because I know that's not the route that I have chosen for our family and for my body BUT some mornings I wake up and think it would be totally nice to walk right to a hospital and just have a csection and be done with it. That's just crazy talk, I know.
I just don't know what else I can do....and really the answer is NOTHING. I can do absolutely NOTHING. I'm not in control of this. I need to just trust in the Lord and his timing and in my bodies ability to have this baby. I hate not being in control. It's one of the hardest things for me but I know that's the role I need to play. I need to sit back and just let things happen the way they are supposed to happen. I can't be pregnant forever right? If I waited 43 weeks for Liam then my being 4 days over my due date at this point really is nothing compared to that. Right?
No comments:
Post a Comment