Mother's day is fast approaching and I've been trying to make believe it's not breaking my heart that my mother is no longer here. Everywhere I turn there are signs, ads, flowers, and a constant reminder, DON'T FORGET TO TELL YOUR MOM HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER! I want to shout "I CAN'T TELL HER! SHE'S GONE!!" but that really wouldn't accomplish anything aside from a few weird glances and me running away in frustrated tears.
Yesterday I was walking in Walmart and I noticed the aisle of Mother's Day cards, my eyes zoned in on one in particular that said "FROM DAUGHTER TO MOTHER" and I felt my face get hot...you know that hot feeling when tears are fighting to stream down your face and you hold them back so much that your eyes get all cloudy and steamy...yes, that kind of hot. I miss my mother so much. My faith tells me that I will see her again. That I will talk with her again and that I will one day be able to tell her how much I love her face to face. Just not now and not here on this earth. My faith tells me it's true and yet there are days that I wonder, what if? What if I'll never see her again? What if the last time I saw her was THE last time I saw her??
This will be my third Mother's Day without her and yet her death is still so fresh. I just miss her so much. I miss her laugh, I miss her silliness, I miss her personality, I miss her yelling at me to drive with both hands on the wheel, I miss the smell of her perfume, I miss her voice, I miss her wisdom, I miss her faith, I miss her loud, opinionated ways, I just plain miss my mom. I sometimes hate it when people talk about "Oh my mom this and my mom that and blah blah, mom, mom, mom..." It makes me so dang angry and jealous. I hate that she is gone. I hate that I can't be with her. I hate that I can't talk to her. I hate that when I have a question only a mother can answer I have no one to turn to. I hate that my daughter is getting older and I have to figure it all out by myself without a mother to give me advice (even though I would probably be so annoyed with her for telling me what to do...lol)
I never realized it would still be so hard 2 1/2 years later. I somehow thought I would be over this part. I just want her back.
Cancer sucks. Cancer ruins lives. Cancer steals loved ones from you. She was too young to die...she had so much to live for. She had grandchildren that she had to watch grow up. She had places to travel to and so many things to see. She had so much here to live for....She had me! Dang it she had ME!!! I needed her! I know she didnt choose to die, I mean who CHOOSES to have Cancer? I know that she wanted more then anything to live, but I guess it just wasn't Heavenly Father's plan for her. Some days I can accept it, other days I just hate the whole freaking situation and I want to scream and scream and scream....as if that would bring her back somehow.
I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. I just miss my mom and with just a few more days till Mother's Day and a couple of weeks from her birthday I'm just feeling the loss so strongly right now.
Mommy,
Thank you for everything you taught me. Thank you for being a good example to me even when times were tough. Thank you for always teaching me about the power of prayer...I remember so many times running to tell you something and finding you on your knees deep in prayer to the Lord. Thank you for being my mother. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for giving me life.
Love,
Your sugar plum-plum
12 comments:
Oh Alida.. I am right there with you.. I miss my Mom so much too. You just pretty much said everything I'm feeling right now.. Love you sweetie. I'm here if you need me.
I miss my mom too! I feel the angry, jealous, sad emotions as well. Unfortunately, I seem to take it out on Frank (because he still has his mom!, how dare he!)
Your mom was an amazing, beautiful woman with a heart of gold, and so are you!
I'm here if you ever want to cry, vent, talk. (we do need to catch up!) I love you Alida!
Aw. You know my heart goes out to Alida. It does suck. No matter if you do see her again - it still sucks that you are here in this mortal body, without her. Cancer sucks, too. I still remember sitting in Church on Mother's Day, trying so hard not to cry (and succeeding quite well, if I do say so myself) when the women behind me leaned forward and whispered, "My mom died 20 years ago, and it's still so hard." Wow. Thanks for the words of encouragement, is what I wanted to respond with. Instead, I just started crying. It wasn't therapeutic either. It just sucked. Love you! Miss you!
I can't even imagine how you must feel, but I'm grateful for this post because it's reminded me to cherish every moment with my mom and be grateful to have her here. Sending you hugs Alida!
I love you Alida! I'm so sorry that it's such a hard time of year. I know you want to tell your mom how much you love her but hopefully there is some small consolation in the fact that she does know how much you do.
And for what it's worth, my mom loves you too and if you are really hard up for mom advice, I would be willing to share her :)
Love you girl!
This will be the 15th Mother's Day without my mom and it's sometimes still as fresh as the first without her. I know how you feel, Alida, to some extent anyway. Mother's Day is also very difficult for me and I sometimes just want to scream and yell and hit something and throw an angry fit that it's not fair. But I've realized something. It ISN'T fair. Life never is. Our loved ones are taken from us far before we're ready for them to go. In all honesty...when we love them like we do, are we EVER ready for them to go? No. I don't think so. I agree with you about cancer. It's an ugly nightmare and it shouldn't exist. If I had my way, death wouldn't exist. But that's not what the Lord has in mind, as much as it hurts and is hard for us. Sometimes I find little comfort in the knowledge that I'll see my mom and grandparents and friends that have passed on. I just want them NOW. Especially my mom. If you want to rage and cry and scream...go right ahead. I do that too. I'll be thinking about you this weekend, hon. Love ya!
I love you so much.
I've been thinking so much about you - just for this reason. I love you!
I was going to leave you a long post yesterday, because I was thinking about you! It really does suck! I love you and the person you are!
I love you so much, Lida. I lost my dad in 2002, and it's still hard.
Your wounds will heal in time. I never believed it would be true, but now when I think of my dad, sometimes I still cry, but mostly I just smile. I had a really good dad for not nearly long enough, but the happy times are sustaining me these days.
I know you don't have any shortage of friends to talk to when you're in need, but I'm here if you find yourself needing to talk, or wanting to laugh because I'm so dang hilarious <3
This will get easier. I promise <3
Alida, what a beautiful post! I totally understand what your saying. I also lost my mother 4 years ago! At times I feel at peace, and other times a wreck! Just know she loves you, and she knows what your thinking, feeling, praying! Keep your head up, and share that same level of greatness she taught you, with your children!
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